Heard About Town By Vic Parker

Can someone explain to me … Why there are two bathtubs in those Cialis commercials? I mean, given the product and its promises, one bigger tub would be much preferable to a pair of smaller ones. Why some drivers are in so big a hurry they pull out in front of you and then drive 10 miles under the speed limit? How every single new show on the teevee is a hit? No matter the network, every one is defined as “can’t miss.”

 
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Having been in the business for many years, I’m aware of the pitfalls that await headline writers. (By the way, headlines are not written by the writers – except maybe at the weeklies – but rather by copy editors.) Anyway, here are a few actual newspaper headlines … “Diaper Market Bottoms Out” “Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit” “Reason for More Bear Sightings … More Bears” “Airline Travel Safer Despite More Accidents” My personal all-time favorite comes from a newspaper in Waterproof, La. (Yes, there really is such a place.) Following an auto mishap, the newspaper’s headline read, “Four Waterproof
Men Drown in Local Lake”

 

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Think about these … If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted? Cowboys can be deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed. It follows, too, that bed makers can be debunked, landscapers deflowered and bulldozer operators degraded. And, organ donors can be delivered, software engineers detested, underwear makers debriefed and songwriters eventually decompose. The best news, however, is that politicians can be devoted.

 
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And then there was the retired guy who likes to make each day an interesting one. He went into a downtown shop one day, and when he came out a cop was writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?” He ignored me and continued writing…

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