HEARD ABOUT TOWN By Vic Parker

There are a lot more crows about than there once were. Time was, they hung around corn fields, ignoring scarecrows and making nuisances of themselves. Today, they’re everywhere, and I think I know why: trash along the roadways. Spitting in the eye of “Don’t Mess with Texas” are lazy, rude, selfish, uncaring boobs who routinely throw their simple lives’ detritus out the window or pay no attention when it flies out of the bed of a pickup truck. The county (Marion) is supposed to occasionally cut the foliage along the right of way of the road on which I live. That hasn’t happened in a while, but I’m OK with it because it hides the plastic sacks, burger bags, beer cans and other trash that the other kind of trash throw out. This leads me to wonder whether anyone, at any time, has ever been ticketed for littering. I think I’ll look into that.

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A few more “don’ts” if you’re a Redneck … Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you’re completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. When it comes to dining out … If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. Belching “to make room for dessert” is frowned upon. And when it comes to personal hygiene … While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.) Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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What follows isn’t politically correct these days…

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